Have you watched any of the movies
called, "To all the Boys I've Ever Loved?"
Well, I am a big fan of them all!
I think Laura Jean and I would get
along well. Her and I share similar
characteristics and the way we think.
One we share in common, is the
fear of love. I too, like LJ love to
read romance novels and watch
romance movies. Yet, when it comes
to applying it in life, it is scary. Not only
scary for me, but I have failed.
I have failed numerous times.
Rather than receiving a knight
in shinning armor, I got the
opposite. I find it very hard
to believe that there is a
specific man out there
for me.
Furthermore, I do not
think there is one who
will hold the door for me,
surprise me with gifts, or
give me kisses of love.
Sometimes I wonder,
why am I this way? I use
to be obsessed with finding
a boyfriend. I was constantly
looking for it. Yet, after I
got a taste of it, it did
not taste so good.
The relationships I have
been in, were not healthy.
It involved a lot of manipulation,
lust, lies and emotional abuse.
Of course there are things I
need to work on, but I was
always the victim.
I still find it cute to see
couples. However, I am
convinced love is not for me.
It has never been a good mix.
I get anxious, over think and
obsess. I pull away from those
who are good for me. I hurt those
who love me and disappoint them.
Love is not for me. In a
way, college can be used
as an example. Some thrive
at going to college. Yet others,
it harms them. Some love school
and others do not. School is not
for everyone and neither is love.
I am not a cynic. It is hard
to tell if I feel this way
because of pride, fear
or an intense amount of
heartbreak.
I will say, when you go
through any form of abuse,
or sexual assault, it changes
the way you think. It altars
the way you see things. I am
an open individual. I guess,
it will take a very special
young man to change my mind.
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