As I sat surrounded by my peers
and a fire, I felt nothing but hate.
My soul was full of frustration, hurt, bitterness
and sorrow.
These so-called peers were once friends.
Yet, as time passed, I lost compassion
and love for them. Rather than love, it was
hate. Rather than forgiveness, it was bitterness.
As the fire crackled and popped into the
dark night, I began to gaze at those around
the fire. "They have done me wrong," I
kept telling myself. I am ashamed to admit
I had thoughts towards them I shouldn't have.
My eyes got fixated on the fire. My focus
was redirected to the speaker. My High School
Bible teacher, Mr. Place. He began to tell us
the story about a man who tragically died. As us
high schoolers listened; things began to change.
Mr. Place continued to talk how this man had
done no wrong. In fact, He was punished for
nothing. I felt I shared this same trouble with this man.
I had heard this story a thousand times before.
However, this time it felt different. Mr. Place was
sharing the gospel. We were at a high school
retreat in the middle of the woods.
Something began to slowly change in my
Spirit. It were as if all of my trials were re-
playing in my head. As if I were watching a
movie, but of my life. God reminded me of
all those times I was hurt. He reminded me of
the times I blamed Him for what happened to me.
He began to re-direct my mind and show
me the truth. For a split second, I felt like
Paul and how scales instantly fell from his eyes.
After they fell, it allowed him to see. It felt as if
an electrical charge went through my body.
This did not hurt, but I saw and felt so much
light, joy and unexplainable love. Though it
was pitch black and late, it felt as if God
switched on a light.
I looked at those I hated and instead
of feeling hate, I was full of compassions
and forgiveness.
Even though it was late hours and pitch black, it
felt as if God switched on a light.
God revealed to me, that everything
I went through, He did not inflict. Nor
was it a punishment either. He showed me
how He loved me all along. The man Mr.
Place spoke of, was called Jesus.
I instantly grew ashamed. I was ashamed
how I had blamed God for my frustration
and past hurt. I had blamed Him for
when things fell apart in my family
and at school. For the first times,
I did not feel like a 'good' person.
In fact, I felt very sinful. I realized for
the longest time, I had turned my back
to the wrong person. The one I had thought
was an enemy was in reality my friend.
I was broken hearted to realize the time
and energy I had wasted on someone who
was for me rather than against me. Above all,
I shamefully had misinterpreted my Creator
and Heavenly Father.
I then understood this man died for
me. Not only did He die for me, but
He died for my peers around the fire.
Those who hurt and rejected me.
I left that bonfire feeling like a
completely different person.
It felt as if chains fell off every bone
of my body that night. I did not realize
the burdens I carried until I left without
them. I felt 'lighter' and more joyous.
I promised God that night, that
I would do my very best to live for
Him. Even if that meant me being
alone. Yet even then, I knew I would
not be alone because Jesus was
with me. This was the night when
I fully surrendered my life to Christ.
My life has never been the same.
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